LIFE IS GREAT

So far today is great. I havent updated my blog recently due to the fack that life can be a bit of a mess. I lost one of my best friends in a drug related shooting two weeks ago. I sometimes forget how painful addiction really is. I know during my madness I was disconected from reality. I never realized the affects my actions had on others. Now that I am sober thou I am well aware of my actions and of those around me. I got to watch Browns family struggle with their loss. And their loss was not getting to be close to Brown in the last 6 or so years. He was with us. His second family so to speak. I was his second family but because of the life that we choose to live most just considered us to be rejects. A blemish on our communities face. No one ever realizes that we are people too. That we hurt and love all the same. That we are no different then everyone else. We just make very poor decisions. We lash out at society and those that love us for not understanding what is is that we going thru.
Brown was my best friend in addiction and also my best friend now. He was there helping me get sober and my life straightened out less then a year ago. He wasnt a saint by far but a damn good person in general. After I got my life straight and on the road to recovery, he went back out. He tried so hard to live his life right that when he was shot and killed I was lost. I dont understand God and the things He does but I do know that had Brown not been there for me I may never have been able to obtain the life that I have now. Brown supported me when most others considered me a lost cause. He was only six months older then me but the love that he showed me surpasses those that have lived alot longer. Those that have blood ties to me couldnt even measure up to the acceptance I felt when I was with him.
I know that his struggle is over and he is home where he belongs. I still struggle with feeling lonely now that I cant talk to him everyday but its getting better. I know the agony that he was going thru is finally over and that gives me a little peace. I know that he is watching over me along with the multiple family members I have already lost to addiction. I pray that I have the strength to do what they failed to. And thats to live my life as sober as possible.

My name is Amber and I have been dealing with addiction for twenty-nine years. The problem lies in the fact that I am only twenty-eight. Addiction for me started at conception. My parents were practicing addicts and left no room in their lives for the children they brought into this world. It’s a cold, dark and desperate world to be born into, and one that leaves no room for kindness, generosity or love. It’s a hopeless flood of despair and destruction and the only guarantee is certain death. I never even realized that I was living a life headed straight for hell until it was too late. At twenty-three, life gave me some time to think about the last twenty some odd years. Four months to think about it to be exact. Four months in county was enough time to realize that I had a problem. However, it wasn’t long enough for me to find a solution. I was busted for manufacturing methamphetamine and I thought that my life was certainly over. I had no clue how to live a normal life. I didn't even know what a normal life looked like. I sat behind bars wondering how my life came to be what its is.
My father was in prison, my mom is a needle junkie and I had just lost two of the most important family members to drugs and alcohol. The only consistencies that I had in my life were jails, drugs and death. I learned how to make weed pipes when I was five. I grew up in bars so alcohol was constantly available at an early age. I had no past experience of life being great. No knowledge of marriage lasting a lifetime. Yet, I had a ton of proof showing me that life was full of pain and agony. Proof that no one cares about you and life is nothing but a cruel joke. Something inside of me was broken and since I had no clue what normal was; I didn’t know exactly what was broken. I started to write down the things I thought about. My long lost dreams I had as a child came back to me so I put those on paper also. I started to write about the horrible things that I had been thru and even worse, the things that I had done. I reached a point in those four months that started me on my journey towards recovery.
They released me from jail with a lighter sentence then I deserved, which boosted my new found belief in God. I moved to a small town where no one knew my name. I joined a meeting with people who understood where I came from and who knew what it felt like to be dead inside. I continued to work on me as the child inside me grew. By the time my daughter was born I had a pretty decent grip on me. I found out, thru the help of other people with similar afflictions, that my problem wasn’t drugs. It was me. As a child, I learned the skills to survive a life of torment. As an adult, I am learning the skills to thrive as a productive member of society.
Struggling with life is given; learning to succeed thru those struggles is a choice. I have found hope and happiness, kindness and love, friendship and family. I have figured out that life doesn’t have to be what you were given at birth. Its what you do with the life that was given that matters.

Hey this is me and I am still confused. I am still struggling to find my self in the messes I create. Life isnt so bad when you stop taking yourself and the situations so seriously. For me, life is a puzzle. I know that we go thru our day to day life puting peices where they belong and trying to trim the pieces we think should fit where we think they should fit. But i was giving the gift of understanding. And what I understand so far is that we as human beings tend to make a mess of the gifts we have been given, but by the Grace of God we always overcome.

Frustrated

I am trying to finally grow up and do something with my life. Nothing real exciting just fullfilling. I am tired of running circles trying to figure out exactly how life should go. I am frustrated due to the huge weight that I have placed on my shoulder. You know, all the expectations you place upon yourself that are far out of your reach. Life gets a little more then one can bear when said one is always failing. I wouldnt fail so much if at all if I sit and enjoy all the blessing that have been bestowed upon me. My children, my family and my health.